I bought my first pack of cigarettes in years.
I have quit smoking for 8 1/2 years. It wasn't a smoke free 8.5 years but perhaps some 5 sticks escaped my fingers during this span. I probably bought a menthol pack once and didn't finish it. My sister gave me a pack two years ago which I kept in my cabinet for "emergency". When I had recently urged for a smoke, I thought I could still brave a stale pack but when I saw the stains leaching through the packaging, I never dared. So today, I officially bought my first pack.
I must be in a pretty terrible situation now that I had finally dared myself to buy one. You must be curious whether I have opened the pack already or not. Yes, as soon as I got home, I opened it and lit my first serious cigarette. It was rough in my tonsils. It's not used to it anymore. I coughed after I took my last puff of the cigarette. It's been years... and the whole sensation brought me back to those years naive years of my college when I started smoking. It made me laugh.
Funny, I bought it on an Ash Wednesday. Pretty bad timing to buy. I could have bought it another day. But never mind. I guess it's "symbolic" that I also shed some ash with my cigarette on an Ash Wednesday. That would make this day more memorable. Haha.
So what's on my mind? I am just horribly saddened by all the wrong decisions I made. It's hard to make major decisions, all the more harder to undo them. It's hard. I know now that it is right. But the right is always hard to swallow. I need some assurance.
1 comment:
ok, it did surprise me, that you bought a pack of cigs. but i passed by not to comment on the cigs but about making the right decision despite of it being hard to swallow.
True what you said. It's hard to make the right decision or in Neo's case, take the red pill (or was it the blue pill), coz usually it's the harder one to swallow. We all have things that we wish to hold on to despite how much the signs tell us that it would be better for us if we let them go. Probably we gotten so much used to them or it being around, that they have become our comfort zone, always thinking that it would be better if we just persevere.
but would that make us happy?
i think that's the best question to ask ourselves when we are again the same situation. magiging masaya ka ba kung yun ang pipiliin mo?
if your answer is no, then you know you made the right decision. i believe that you did. and there's my reassurance for you. you're a great person, and your true friends know that. And like they say, He won't give us naman (UAP-ish!!!) a burden that we can't handle.
Ed
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